Baka Black! (ayaseyue) wrote,
Baka Black!
ayaseyue

Happy New Year!

I don't really care if it is a week late, be happy you were wished it at all!!!!

Merh. I need to write in here more often now... I'll have the time to.

In 4 more days I am headed back to Schaumburg and it will be the first time I am there without Brandon... its going to be weird and lonely. I mean, yeah I have my roommates and I know it will be great to spend more time with them, especially since I HAD been spending as much time as I possibly could with Brandon since he won't be there.

Its just going to be so weird, I've never been there without him, even when we weren't dating... It would be as weird as if Lara were gone. And even though I will have my roommates... I'm mostly worried about the nights... the nights I will have to spend alone again. I'm so spoiled when it comes to Brandon now, it is going to be a big transition for me. It'll be weird to have him so far away and like I said, at night when I will be alone will be the worst. But I am a strong person and I know that, I know I will be okay. I'll adapt and we'll talk a lot and we'll still get to see each other every so often. He keeps saying he'll visit all the time but once he gets a job back home I get a feeling it will be a promise he can't keep. And I want to get a job myself... so that will make it even worse.

I just worry too because there are so many people that want to see him without me there... basically girls that want to see him when I'm not there. And I trust him... but I don't trust them. I don't trust most women as far as I can throw them. Especially considering the track record of most of the girls, that Brandon used to know, who decide they want to talk to him... yeah. Bah, it doesn't do me any good to worry about that stuff though.

On another note... I've been very aware of my own mortality lately... I dunno why, I've just been thinking about it a lot. I'm not the type to freak out about the fact that I could die at any moment but I'm also not usually as aware of it as I have been lately... It feels like a bad thing to be thinking about it so often. Even scarier was that the day it was the worst, Brandon told me he'd been thinking the same thing.

It is eerie to have someone say that... and it just makes me wonder more about my thoughts... for some reason, I often think about parallel universes and how my decisions in this one create other ones where I made different choices... and I dunno, it just raises a lot of questions... like do I still have an alternate consciousness in that universe? And if I do then isn't she a different person than me... does that mean everyone around me has other consciousnesses too? I think about all the bad things that happen to people and how LUCKY I have been. Why do I get to be so lucky? I know I believe that everything happens for a reason and that the universe has a way to work itself out for the best but is the fact that I am here now with such a good life purely coincidental? I mean, I don't believe the universe revolves around me or anything but I just wonder if there are there universes where everyone else has everything going so well for them too... I dunno, it is complicated and I don't have the time to explain @_@

Maybe some other time I'll go into it more or something but for now I am off.

Bye bye!
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